Saturday, July 31, 2010

hello blog, its been a really long time since i posted here.

recently, there are many problems that i have been troubled over. The very first and top problem on my list would be my relationship with bf. I understand that he has been feeling very lonely in NS. Thus, I haven been trying really hard to accomodate to his timing. I had been trying to accompany him whenever I could. However, we quarrelled again today. I was planning to stay overnight at his house today. didn't intended to let him know, cause it was meant to be a surprise thing. I wanted him to know that if i am allowed to stay out clubbing, i would make an effort to stay overnight at his house, with him, just the two of us, some romantic moments would be spent and maybe, he wouldn't feel so alone anymore. Nevertheless, things didn't go my way. I left my phone on my study table and went to sleep. When he woke up, he couldn't contact me. Thus, he called my house. And because my stupid sister was too lazy to go upstairs and check if i was at home, she just told him that i wasn't at home. That made him doubt my words after i woke up and phoned him. Then, everything sort of went downhill. We didn't meet for movies as planned, because i didnt't have the mood to meet up anymore. I needed some time alone. to think about things between him and me. and my conclusion was this: he didn't had any trust in me. no matter how hard i try to change, he wouldn't trust me. at all. it broke my heart when i came to this conclusion. I was devastated and trust me, my heart couldn't hurt more.

But come to think of it. It was me who made this relationship untrustable isn't it? I mean, if i were to be the one inside NS, i would also be afraid that my gf would leave me since NS is like a "cursed" thing for couples to break up. But i believed i tried to make him feel better by texting him whenever i can and going to his house to accompany him whenever i could. i just don't understand why he is always so unhappy with me. i don't have a habit of always looking into my phone and check for msges and i have been trying to do that ever since he went in NS. i sort of stop hanging out in class gatherings because he would be jealous if there were guys, even if it was a group outing. things have been rather busy in school and i guess, that really made things worst. we started to drift apart and quarrelled more occassionally. and i didn't wanted this.

Yet, now i am, crying as i typed my emotions into this post. I really don't know how to turn this relationship around. its gonna be our 4 yrs anniversary and this kinda things had to happen. can someone just teach me how to make him happy? anyone? please? i really want him to be happy with me.

if i was given a choice again,
i would still choose to meet you
and fall in love with you once more.
no matter what ending this relationship is going to be,
i know i had tried my best,
in loving you and
in caring for you.
and the reason i did all these,
was because i loved you too much.
too much that i couldn't leave you.

-- because ii knew ii was never important to you. 6:21 PM6:21 PM