Sunday, August 31, 2008
ii just wan euu back..
euu and only euu..
becus ii had never loved a guy so much in my life before..
ii wan to own euu..
ii wan to make up to euu..
ii promised nort to hurt euu if euu are willing to come back to miie..
ii promised euu ii will change..
ii hate myself..
seriously..
why did god gave miie something & thn take it away from miie again??
ii dunnoe wat ii can do to make euu trust miie again..
maybe ii am reallie going mad from those sleepless nights..
wat to do??
ii just can't forget euu..
ii love euu..
11:04 PM
Saturday, August 30, 2008
ii noe ii did lots ob hurtful things to euu in der past.. but ob all der memories we had, can't euu even forgive miie?? why is my standing position lower than jia wei & your daughter?! ii had to see what they wan before ii can get euu back in my life?? after all der things we did.. this is wat ii gort in der end.. why nort just kill miie if euu wan to torture miie like this?? ii admit, everything was my fault to begin wit.. but, why?? why must euu torture miie like this?? why do so many gurls like euu?? why?? even though ii begged euu to return, euu wouldn't.. ii think abt euu day & night.. ii dun wan to sleep becus sleeping will make miie have bad dreams ob euu.. my lack ob sleep is driving miie crazy..
i am reallie sorries fer wat ii did to euu..
pls return to miie..
ii reallie love euu alot..
ii promised euu ii would change fer der better if euu would return to miie..
ii wouldn't let euu get hurt by miie anymore..
please..
return to miie..
hates myself.
11:14 AM
Friday, August 29, 2008
ii just wan to be wit euu again.. why is it so difficult.. ii reallie love euu alot.. no doubt euu kept hurting miie, yet, ii dunnoe why but ii still have this desire ob patching wit euu.. ii hate my spilt personality ob threatening euu.. but ii just can't control.. its nort as if ii liked it.. ii just, can't control.. ii reallie hate myself.. knn..
9:53 PM
Thursday, August 28, 2008
to euu:
ii have nth more to say alr.. der msges ii gort from euu, are getting lesser & lesser by der day.. ii am tired ob nort sleeping at night.. nort ii dun wan to.. its ii am afraid to.. perhapes euu reallie dun wan this distraction in your life anymore.. tell miie?? ii will vanish from your sight immediately.. ii wun msg euu again.. best ob all, ii dun have to suffer anymore..
why are euu so kawaii??
so tat ii can stay in your eyes every second..
why is your voice so mellow??
so tat my feelings can reach der depths ob your heart..
why are euu looking at miie wit such watery eyes??
so tat your fresh smile face may flood der fountain ob my heart..
today is der starting ob my holidays alr.. come to think ob it.. trapping myself in my house may be my holiday schedule.. ii wan to find a job asap.. ii wan to make myself busy.. so busy tat ii wouldn't think ob euu anymore.. ii dun mind making myself tired.. or rather, ii would be glad if ii died ob fatigue.. afterall, parting is such sweet sorrows.. hope xiao jing can help miie get der job in der hotel..
hates myself..
10:15 PM
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
euu ask miie to go your house late in der middle ob der night.. ii went bearing tat tiny teeny hope tat euu would patch wit miie again.. but despite der fact tat ii went, euu still didn't patch wit miie.. ii guess ii am reallie stupid to think tat way.. euu wanted miie to fall asleep but ii see euu falling asleep instead.. ii dun wan to disturb euu.. so ii went home myself..
ii guess ii am super stupid to think tat euu would patch wit miie.. since euu alr like another gurl.. why am ii so foolish?? ii noe ii did alot ob hurtful things to euu in der past.. haven ii suffered enough alr?? everything is fer miie to be blamed.. blood would be shed to atone fer my sins.. ii promised euu..
1:01 PM
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
happie birthday to jing jing.. how much euu love miie is how much ii love euu.. ii will give all my love and attention to euu.. will give euu your birthday kiss on friday.. ii will help euu celebrate your birthday on friday.. make up to euu..
have been thinking abt him fer der whole day.. didn't have der mood to go home.. ii dun wan to stay at home.. to face der 4 walls.. it will make miie go mad sooner.. ii banged my head against der wall to stop myself from thinking.. it didn't help.. so tired.. ii wan to sleep yet ii am afraid to fall asleep.. perhapes ii wun be able to make up in this lifespan.. but no worries, ii will make up to euu in my next lifespan.. let my blood wash away der heartbreaks ii had caused euu.. let my soul be der one to take care & look after euu.. let miie atone fer your heartbreaks.. since it was miie who caused euu to break up wit miie..
no matter how heartless euu are to miie, ii dunnoe why, but ii still love euu..euu are der guy my heart truely wans, euu are der guy tat captured my heart.. now tat euu have left, euu took my hear wit euu.. leaving miie in dispair.. everything was miie to be blamed.. ii am sorries.. i noe a word ob sorries will nort help to cure matters.. yet, ii still feel, ii need to say sorries.. ii am sorries.. ii reallie wouldn't hurt euu again if euu come back to miie.. but ii noe its pointless saying all those alr..
my heart is gone.
euu had taken it away..
all tat is left ob miie are shaggs & pieces ob miie..
can euu still mend my broken heart??
sad to say.. i dunnoe..
11:14 PM
Monday, August 25, 2008
euu asked miie to go your house at 2am in der morning.. ii went.. having a hope tat euu would patch back wit miie.. thn euu dash my hope again.. why must euu do this to miie?? ii cried so much fer euu.. euu still wouldn't return to miie.. can't euu see ii reallie learnt my mistake alr?? ii just wan another chance to love euu, to cherish euu.. why is it euu just can't give it to miie?? after wat ii done, euu still wouldn't forgive miie?? euu had experience der heartbreak ob being tortured when euu see your love one wit another guy.. why do euu wan to make miie experience it if euu love miie?? ii just dun understand..
euu made miie hate myself.. made miie hate going home.. ii wun begg euu fer patch again.. ii will accompany my baby.. to where he goes..
goodbye.
9:01 PM
Sunday, August 24, 2008
euu left miie hurt & helpless.. everytime euu said euu would consider patching wit miie.. are those just words to pacify miie?? after ii listen to euu, euu would change der whole subject & never mention to patch again.. it was euu who gave miie hope.. it was euu who dash it too.. why do euu even bother abt miie when euu dun wanna patch?? seeing miie living in such misery pleases euu?? why nort euu just let miie pain to death?? bleed to death?? why bother bringing miie to a doctor when euu wan to hurt miie like this?? make miie stay alive to see euu & your daughter lovey dovey?? no thanks..
ii admit ii was in der wrong.. ii shouldn't have lied in der first place.. but ii reallie learnt my mistake alr.. couldn't euu forgive miie since it was a whie lie?? ii wan euu back in my life.. yet, ii dunnoe wat else ii can do fer euu alr.. ii tried to do things to melt your heart.. yet, your heart remains unchanged.. maybe ii have been deceiving myself bahhs.. ii noe euu alr gort another gurl in your heart.. yet, ii still do this kinda thing to begg euu to return to miie.. ii am shameless & stupid isn't it??
ii noe its hard fer euu to return to miie.. ii am nort a good stead.. ii deserve to die.. after wat euu told miie.. it makes miie reallie hate myself so much.. everytime ii blogg.. tears would roll down my cheeks.. ii just can't help it but think ob euu.. ii tried so hard nort to think alr.. ii reallie can't help it!! tml ii would be having another paper.. yet, ii have no mood to study at all.. ii am stress.. so damn stress.. ii wanna trap myself in a room & cry everything out.. ii just wanna cry everyday.. ii dun wan to eat nor drink.. ii just wan a room to cry my heart out.. but ii noe no matter how much ii cry, those tears wouldn't bring euu back.. your heart is frozen..
shameless bitch..
12:21 PM
Saturday, August 23, 2008
hubby playing DS..
ii will never forget tat smile ob yours.
ii am at a loss.. ii dunnoe wat ii should do.. fer euu to return to miie.. ii dun like to stay at home.. but when ii go out alone.. walking on der empty road.. ii see couples on der streets.. hands locked tgt so tightly.. ii get reminded ob euu.. when euu lock my hand in yours.. ii feel so protected by euu.. now tat euu are gone.. ii feel like a very vunerable gurl.. ii wan tat protected feeling again.. nevertheless euu are gone.. euu choose to be heartless.. euu abandon miie..leaving miie to fend fer myself.. even when ii am bleeding badly fer euu.. were euu even there?? once blood is shed.. it cannort be stopped easily..
its been a month since euu left my life.. ii have tried many many ways to get euu back.. couldn't euu tell tat ii reallie learnt my mistake?? ii reallie wun commit der same stupid mistake again.. why can't euu give miie tat last chance?? must euu force miie to die thn only will euu be happie?? ii am reallie reallie sorrie fer wat ii had done in der past.. but ii just wan euu back into my life.. ii wan to make euu happie too.. but tat little chance is nort given to miie.. euu had fallen in love wit another gurl.. ii am left to cry alone.. to bleed alone.. ii am reallie tired alr.. even when ii am typing this post, tears are still rolling down my cheeks.. ii cried till my vision is blurr.. did euu care?? will euu care?? euu are ignoring miie.. out ob 10 msges ii sent euu, euu only reply once.. ii am tired.. ii reallie am..
euu stepped into my life..
taught miie how to love..
gave miie der love tat ii needed so much..
der next moment,
euu left my life..
left miie crying alone..
made miie went down on my knees to begg euu..
took my precious away..
yet euu still wouldn't return..
ii dunnoe why ii am still crying..
crying over euu..
ii dun wan to shed those tears..
those blood..
yet, der tears just rolled down automatically..
ii couldn't control it..
euu were gone..
my heart was broken..
ii had learnt my lesson..
euu didn't believe..
death is my last solution now..
to end my sorrows..
parting is such sweet sorrows..
12:48 PM
Thursday, August 21, 2008
rmb der days we had our hands locked tight tgt??
rmb der days euu held miie tight in your chest & said euu love miie??
rmb der days euu kissed my lips & said euu would protect miie from harm??
so where are euu when ii needed euu so much??
euu were wit your daughter..
& ii am left to cry alone..
in tat corner ob your house..
would euu even consider a patch up when ii begg euu??
my heart is broken..
my will to live is gone..
euu had hurt miie so much..
euu threw away der porridge ii delivered specially to your house..
euu took my precious away..
ii bleeded & cried fer euu..
ii reallie dunnoe wat else to do fer euu..
every night, ii hugg your jacket & cry myself to sleep...
ii am reallie tired..
euu noe ii can't cry much..
yet euu still made miie cry so much fer euu..
ii need euu..
ii reallie do..
deep down in my heart ii need euu so much..
ii reallie am willing to die fer euu..
this is love..
this is real love..
ii wan euu back in my life...
ii promise to give euu happiness if euu patch wit miie..
ii will change till euu are happie wit miie..
ii will listen to all your words..
ii wouldn't treat euu fer granted..
ii would do wat euu wan miie to do..
ii begg ob euu.. please return to miie..
ii reallie regretted wat ii had done..
ii reallie would change fer euu..
please give miie this last chance to love euu can??
11:04 PM
wat ii cannort get, will never be shared..
euu drove miie mad.. euu reallie did..
8:00 AM
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
hahas.. ii am going crazy.. woo hoo..
9:33 PM
ii am waiting fer euu to change your mind..
ii am tired & shagg..
ii waited fer your answer last night.. ii dunnoe why ii am so desperate to ask euu fer patch.. ii knew der answer would be negative.. ii knew it would hurt miie badly.. yet ii still asked.. ii am a fool.. maybe it is because there is still a little hope in my heart.. a little hope tat he would still return to miie.. a little hope tat he wouldn't be so heartless.. however, ii was wrong.. he was super heartless.. drove miie to a corner..
ii noe its my fault tat ii lied to euu.. but after all ii did fer euu.. is it insufficient to convince euu tat ii am a changed person alr?? is it insufficient to convince euu tat ii need euu back in my life so so desperately?? is it insufficient to convince euu tat ii will nv make tat stupid mistake again?? must euu drive miie to a corner thn only will euu be satisfied??
euu dun bother abt miie anymore.. euu dun love miie anymore.. everything was miie to be blamed.. tat was wat euu told miie.. it reallie makes miie hate myself so much.. ii wanna end my life so much because euu said ii was to be blamed fer everything.. ii noe no matter wat happens to miie wouldn't be your business alr.. after all, do euu still care fer miie?? all euu would say is: ii will talk to euu tml.. couldn't euu hear tat ii was crying so badly on der phone?? maybe, ii am right.. ii dun matter in your life anymore..
pls patch with miie..
ii reallie need euu in my life..
10:09 AM
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
went to sch at 9 today.. to study fer my c maths.. last minute study.. didn't sleep last night.. was waiting fer his msg throughout der night.. yet, he didn't reply.. think ii will flunk my c maths paper.. hope can pass.. need lots ob luck.. after exam went to zhen dong's house.. brought him food.. he locked his house door.. ii couldn't enter.. my leggs were full ob blisters from tat stupid shoes.. ii guess he doesn't wan miie to go his house le bahhs.. who would wan a lunatic at your house door?? ii am tre-passing isn't it?? hais.. left your lunch outside your door.. heat it before euu eat kayys..
nth left to say.. he doesn't care abt miie anymore.. ii feel so alone.. so desperate fer love.. if ii can, ii choose to die now.. ii dun wanna live to a long ripe age without him.. ii will continue staring at der blank wall.. hoping tat it would talk to miie.. ii realie wish it would.. need someone so badly now.. but he ain't coming back to miie.. he dun care anymore.. do my life or death still matters to him?? ii seriously dun wan to think anymore.. can't stop thinking.. ii hate myself..
after tml, euu wun see miie anymore.. ii am so damn foolish.. doing things fer euu since ii tot it would melt your heart.. instead wat ii gort?? mrs khoo jia wei.. hmm.. nice one... KHOO ZHEN DONG euu reallie win liaos.. euu had your revenge.. are euu satisified now?? euu hurt my heart time & again.. ii noe ii had hurt euu in der past.. so this is revenge to miie isn't it?? euu wan miie to experience der heartaches euu felt in der past.. so this is how euu love a person.. NICE!!! so NICE!!! thanks fer your advance birthday gift.. driving miie nuts is your dream isn't it?? its your goal.. ii give euu n KHOO JIA WEI my blessings.. euu wun get to see miie ever again.. & dun regret your decision..
when a good gurl goes bad..
4:42 PM
Monday, August 18, 2008
nth much to say.. been thinking too much abt miie & him alr.. hope tat he is happie without miie.. wun be affecting your life very soon.. it would be best if ii disappeared from your life isn't it?? didn't sleep well.. had nightmares ob him being wit other gurls.. been crying till 3am.. was very tired but ii didn't dare to fall asleep.. ii dun wan those nightmares.. they have been haunting miie fer weeks alr.. gonna go crazy soon..
went to study wit jing today.. though ii didn't have der mood to study.. was feeling very sleepy.. but at least, ii tried to study.. so jun xiang kor euu must be happie to hear this okies.. jerrold bro tried to motivate miie to study by going on a date wit miie if ii study.. lol.. ii said ii would study if my ex returns to miie.. he said he can't guarantee tat but he can go on a day wit miie if ii study.. hahas.. both brothers are nice to miie.. after studying was very tired alr.. yet, ii still go his house.. buy donuts fer him.. ii am afraid tat he would be hungry when he wakes up.. dunnoe why ii am doing all these too.. maybe its because ii wan him to noe tat ii am realie sorries fer wat ii had done to him alr.. he just thinks ii am good at weaving stories.. my heart is broken alr.. so broken tat ii think it will take alot ob time to mend.. maybe by der time ii die also haven mend.. tml is my maths test.. ii dunnoe how to cope wit my studies also.. need lots ob luck tml.
ii still begg fer euu to return..
yet, ii dun ask fer it anymore..
because ii am tired ob asking..
my life is in a mess..
its all because ob euu..
yet, euu just DUN WAN to return to miie..
ii deliver lunch to euu everyday..
hoping tat it would melt your heart..
ii clean your house fer euu..
hoping tat euu would feel blessed having such a nice EX gurlfriend..
yet, its tre-passing your house to euu..
even if ii reallie die..
even if ii reallie go mad..
euu wouldn't bother too.. right??
euu would just think tat ii am threatening euu or watsoever..
ii am tired..
tired ob tis kinda life..
ii am human.. and ii do need love..
ii wan your love back so desperately..
euu wouldn't give it back to miie..
ii dunnoe how much longer ii can endure this..
but ii noe..
ii truely love euu..
before ii reallie go mad..
ii wanna say.. ii love euu one last time to euu..
my eyes, are red from crying alr..
lonely..
8:00 PM
Sunday, August 17, 2008
went to his house today.. fell asleep on his bed.. when he return we did something happie.. he hugg & kissed miie today.. ii was so delighted.. afterall, ii realie do miss his huggs & kisses..
he said he wanted to think after his O levels.. ii dunnoe if ii can wait.. though my depression is still nort tat serious yet.. hope ii can wait.. before ii reallie go mad & end up in IMH..
just ate my medicine.. gort sore eyes.. wun be posting much.. good luck fer your exams tml.. my exams start on tuesday.. have nort touched my book yet.. ii can go die liao.. lol.. need lots ob luck to pass my exams sia..
my life is all abt pills..
lonely..
10:21 PM
Saturday, August 16, 2008
ii couldn't sleep last night.. been thinking ob him again.. cried throughout der night.. ii am tired ob this kinda life.. ii didn't want to cry.. but whenever ii think ob der happie memories we had.. tears couldn't help but drop from my eyes.. ii am upset.. because euu said it was miie who made euu heartless.. its my mistake ii didn't treasure euu enough.. its my fault fer changing euu into this heartless guy.. so heartless tat ii almost couldn't recognise anymore.. as ii am typing this post, tears are still falling down my cheeks.. ii desperately wan euu back.. but euu just wouldn't return to miie.. ii reallie wun make der same mistake alr.. wat must ii do fer euu to believe miie?? to return to miie??
ii called euu at 8 in der morning.. ii cries into der phone.. yet, euu didn't seem interested in talking to miie.. ii wanted euu to come.. ii feel so lonely.. euu didn't wan to come.. after euu hung up, ii ran outta der house, onto der main road.. silently, ii began to cry.. crying fer euu..
All my life I had built up a fantasyof the perfect man.
Countless romance stories and fableshelped make that fantasy a reality in my mind.
Searching for that fantasy lead to manydisappointments.
Reality made it clear that there was no such man.
And as the years went by, the fantasy startedto fade away, until I met you.
I had almost given up on the fantasy untilmy fantasy became reality,that reality became you.
went to get anti depression pills wit my godmother after tat.. mummy dunnoe abt tat.. didn't wan her to worry.. god mother also helped miie kept a secret..
9:31 PM
Friday, August 15, 2008
went to his house today.. brought donuts fer him.. he was awake.. he even open der door fer miie.. didn't noe wat to say to him.. wanted him to hugg miie tightly in his arms & say tat he love miie & only miie.. yet, he didn't.. he lied on my leggs to watch tv.. was quite happie too.. but somehow, ii felt tat we have drifted apart.. if der problem lies wit miie, ii will be more than willing to change fer him.. he, had changed.. he had changed into someone so heartless ii almost can't recognise anymore.. ii noe its my fault fer causing this sudden change in euu.. but after all tat ii had done these few days, are they nort enough to break your frozen heart?? ii dunnoe wat else to say anymore.. ii dunnoe wat ii should do anymore..
ii will be waiting fer your answer on sunday.. death or life, depends on euu.. will respect your decision de.. if euu say euu wan go stead wit your daughter or jia wei, tell miie.. ii wun appear in your life ever again... if euu decide to return to miie, ii will try my best to give euu der happiness euu reallie wan.. ii would treasure euu more than my life.. super tired ob life le.. nobody likes to die.. it is wat keeps euu in this world tat makes euu wanna live on.. & wat is keeping miie alive now, is der love & chance ii am waiting fer euu to give miie..
counting down to 17th aug 2008..
lonely..
8:13 PM
Thursday, August 14, 2008
my life is no longer as happie as it used to be.. euu taught miie der feeling ob love & jealousy.. ii reallie hate myself fer feeling jealous whenever euu bring gurls back to your house.. ii wanna be gracious.. yet, somehow iijust couldn't.. been neglecting my studies fer euu.. ii dun wan to do tat either.. ii wish euu were back.. back into my life..
went to his house in der afternoon.. euu weren't at home.. brought lunch fer euu as usual & went to clean up your house.. maybe people will think tat ii am being stupid.. wat fer doing all these when we have alr broken up?? but, ii feel so satisfied.. helping my love one clean his room.. clean his house so tat his mother wouldn't have to do so much housework.. but ii hardly clean my house... cus gort maid clean.. =.= ii admitted.. ii treated euu fer granted.. after euu told miie so many times.. it was like ii rmb a while thn ii treated euu fer granted again.. ii am a stupid gurl who dun treasure euu.. but ii assure euu, if euu give miie tis last chance to love euu, ii will.. ii wan to make your life as happie as it could be.. ii begg euu fer this chance.. ii wanna whisper into your ears, ii love euu.. and ii will love euu till der day ii drop dead & die.. love euu till ii grow old.. (if tats possible) my fate depends on your ans on sunday..
wanna thank jun xiang.. he had been my kor since ii was secondary one.. he spoke to miie today.. ii feel alot better alr.. but still, ii can't get over him.. after all, these memories couldn't just be erased over time.. ii had too much happie & fun memories wit him..
counting down to 17th august..
lonely..
8:11 PM
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
life is in a mess fer miie.. der number ob sleepless nights ii had is uncountable.. almost every night ii had der same nightmare.. in my nightmare, ii was so jealous seeing euu wit another gurl tat ii went mad & stabb tat gurl wit a knife.. sounds impossible?? who knows wat will happen in der future??
21 days after euu left my life.. ii am still missing your huggs.. missing your kisses.. missing euu in especially.. today ii went to his house.. reached at 12.. went to collect der couple ring from couple labb.. tat was supposed to be our anniversary gift.. had saved quite a long time fer tat little surprise...but in der end?? we broke up becus ob my lie.. ii had lied to keep tat little surprise fer euu.. silly isn't it?? no idea wat der hell ii am trying to do.. but ii actually kneel down in front ob his bedroom door fer 2 hours.. its to tell euu how much ii noe ii am in der wrong alr.. aft tat felt like vomitting.. so went to watch tv.. euu are quite lucky because euu didn't see miie kneeling down.. its is a very pitiful sight.. nort everybody likes death.. some people choose to end their life because they dun feel der love from der world.. & ii guess, ii am one ob them.. ii choose to end my life fer euu.. ruin my life fer euu.. because euu are worth it...
my fate depends on your decision on 17th august 2008.. ii reallie need tat one last chance.. please.. wat is love? it is when euu are willing to die fer someone.. and, ii am so willing to die.. fer euu..
lonely & helpless..
8:16 PM
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
sick from all der vomitting last night.. didn't managed to sleep so well.. ii am sick & tired ob this world.. he is bent on driving miie to my grave.. ii would be granting his wish soon..
went to his house to buy porridge fer him.. was raining & ii wasn't feeling well.. yet, ii still carried porridge to his house.. in der end?? ii saw another gurl's pair ob shoes in his house.. nice one zhen dong.. when ii was putting der bowl ob porridge onto his floor.. heard der bed shaking.. one gurl, one boy.. locked in a room.. wat more can happen?? ii was left heartbroken.. ran outta his house immediately.. under der sizzling rain.. ii cried & cried.. after boarding der bus, ii was stil crying.. my tears was so hard to control..
when he called miie, he quarrelled wit miie.. if he had apologised, ii would have forgave him.. no matter wat wrong he did.. yet, he didn't..and it is gonna be because ob khoo zhen dong, tat ii went to find a job.. work starts on thursday.. ii wun be meeting euu every again.. and ii jolly well give euu my blessings to euu & jia wei or your daughter.. ii am quiting this fcuking game tat euu are playing.. ii feel happie to ruin my life fer euu.. so damn fcuking happie..
no more baby tigeress..
lonely..
6:31 PM
Monday, August 11, 2008
my sleepless nights are back.. ii cried myself to sleep.. woke up at 8 today because ii had a terrible nightmare.. a world without love.. where everybody turns into a robort.. gort a bloody scolding from my dad.. because my fcuked up sister woke up late at night t use der com.. and ii gort blamed fer it.. wat der fcuk lahhs.. its nort as if she cannort think fer herself.. everything seems to be my fault.. ii am like der great sinner.. life is so so meaningless fer miie now..
ii wanted to go to his house to deliver lunch to his house.. yet, he didn't want miie to go.. ii was heartbroken.. seems like ii am reallie nort needed in his life anymore.. in tat case, pls tell miie.. so tat ii can end my sufferings sooner..
went to der top ob a flat today aft delivering his porridge to him.. sat down there fer very long.. thereafter, ii came down & went to seven eleven.. brought a packet ob panadol pills.. swallowed 18 ob them.. ii wan to feel how euu felt tat time.. after all, its miie who made euu swallow them.. sometimes, it must be when der person is gone from der world then euu would start to cherish her..
counting down to 15th sept.. death day..
lonely..
11:19 AM
Sunday, August 10, 2008
wasn't feeling too good this morning.. was having breathing difficulties.. ii think der bad weather is to be blamed.. today was quite boring.. hmm.. had my lunch, watch tv, sleep.. =.= miss him so much today.. yet, ii didn't have der courage to msg him.. ii am afraid tat ii am being too much ob a disturbance to him.. after all, he has too many gurlfriends.. and, ii am just one ob them now..
a poem to depict how much euu are wanted in my life..
wanting..
lasting..
to be held,
to be loved,
to feel warmth,
to feel your beating heart..
wanting to be sheltered from der cold,
heartless winds.
falling into invisible arms..
into an abyss ob love..
wishing..
hoping..
tat all my desires will be filled..
my desires ob loving warmth..
wanting to be held..
comforted,
loved..
dreaming ob passionate embraces,
ob tender loving kisses..
loving words..
romantic night..
waiting fer undying love..
life is der same boring life ii once used to had.. der meaningless life ii once lived.. der world ob black & white.. it was euu who brought in colours to my life.. it was euu who gave miie der courage to love once more.. and now euu are gone too.. gone with der wind.. and everything was miie to be blamed.. ii hate myself.. ii hate my life.. ii live fer der sake ob living.. ii wanna die so much... because, ii reallie hate myself fer being borne.. borne into this world to hurt your heart.. if ii wasn't borne, euu would be much much happier without miie.. euu wun be hurt by miie.. and perhapes euu would have steaded wit jia wei long long ago.. ii reallie hate myself..
i am sorry fer der things ii had done..
ii am sorry fer hurting euu..
ii am sorry fer being born..
ii am sorry fer nort appreciating euu..
ii am sorry fer threatening euu..
ii am sorry fer lying to euu..
ii am sorry fer treating euu fer granted..
ii am sorry fer everything ii had done to hurt euu..
ii hope euu will come back to my life once more..
and give miie one last chance to love euu.. to care fer euu..
ii swear upon der lord jesus,
tat if euu were to come back to miie one my birthday..
ii would nv hurt euu again..
counting down to 15th sept.. death day..
lonely..
9:37 PM
Saturday, August 9, 2008
went to his house at 11.30 am.. he had just finished bathing.. ii was supposed to pei him go eat.. but because ii didn't want to eat. he didn't want to eat..thereafter, we stayed at his house to watch der olympics.. abt half an hour ltr, he decided to go and buy food alone.. ii guess he is reallie too hungry le bahhs.. he said to buy porridge fer miie & ii agreed.. ii didn't noe tat he was calling miie after he left till he came back.. & ii had rejected all calls from my phone.. so he was angry.. after he came back.. he scolded miie, thn went out.. ii asked him where he was going.. he just replied. somewhere.. as ii watch him leave der house.. ii felt a sharp pain piercing into my heart.. it was der pain ob heartbreak.. after he left, ii decided to chase after him.. ii ran to der lift.. but he was gone..as ii looked down upon der flats.. ii saw him walking to sun plaza, smoking.. ii wanted to chase after him.. yet, all ii could was to see him walk further & further away from miie.. ii wanted to jump down der block ob flats so much just to be wit him.. yet, ii wasn't tall enough to climb up.. as ii watch him, walking away from miie, ii wanted him to glance up his block ob flats so much.. yet he didn't.. ii was left to stand there.. watching him leave.. ii went back to his house.. swallowed der whole ob der burning porridge.. thn went to toilet to vomit.. ii just didn't have der appetite.. yet, ii am glad.. because ii finished wat he brought fer miie.. its der thoughts tat counts, isn't it?? after he came back, we did something.. made him happie.. so happie to see his smile again.. ii apologised fer wat ii had done.. & he forgave miie..
at around 4, ii went to meet zhi chao & zhi wei.. we were supposed to watch der fireworks.. jerrold was so late.. luckily, we went to eat at NEW YORK while waiting fer him.. ii shared wit zhi chao & zhi wei two pizzas.. because ii noe ii wouldn't be able to finish on my own.. and because der price was like super expensive.. holiday wat.. wat to do.. after dinner actually wan go see fireworks de.. but too bad it was raining.. and it was super crowded.. so we ended up watching movie lol.. hahas.. after movie went home.. place was like super crowded.. traffic jam sia.. people were all all walking super lowly.. was so pissed off.. then, ii had to go home myself.. cause zhi chao, jerrold & zhi wei were taking purple line home.. ii ownself take red line nors.. luckily ii found a seat.. then dun have to stand.. hahas..
after tat ii met him.. he came to my house to take back his DS charger & his mother's phone.. was kinda upset to see him leave.. but ii couldn't do anything much.. cause my parents was there to kao bei kao bu.. especially my stupid FATHER.. say & say & say.. say wat break alr why he still come?? huh?! then ask miie dun so cheap lahhs.. he dun wan miie.. ii still keep pestering him.. so heartbroken to hear tat.. hais.. its okies, my sufferings wouldn't last long..
counting down to 15th sept.. death day..
lonely..
10:35 PM
Friday, August 8, 2008
woke up at 11 today.. rushed to his house to buy him porridge.. was worried tat his stomach was still unwell.. sweep his floor and packed his bed.. after tat ii rushed to school.. skipped c maths because ob my diarhoea.. was having diarhoea since last night.. so ii didn't sleep well.. drank too many bottles ob yakult.. had my accounts lecture & business com ica 4.. it was tough.. ii didn't reallie finish der paper.. nort enough time.. thn ii felt like shitting halfway through der paper.. had to tolerate.. thn tolerate until ii dun wan shit le.. =.= so lame right.. didn't felt like eating much.. maybe due to effects ob der panadol.. see food wanna vomit...
to euu:
ii noe its my fault things went this way..
ii wun bring anymore friends to your house le..
she went wit miie tat day because ii wasn't feeling well..
euu may think tis is my excuse..
but ii can joll well tell euu it is nort..
ii brought fish porridge fer euu because my mummy told miie it has alot ob nutrition..
ii noe watever ii do euu will still treat miie coldly..
yet, ii dunnoe why..
ii just wanna be good to euu..
ii noe ii had treated euu fer granted in der past..
so ii wanna treat euu nice now..
to let euu feel my love fer euu..
ii dun reallie now how to show my love..
and ii think der only thing ii can do..
is to clean your room & buy porridge fer euu..
its nort tat ii wanna threaten euu by ending my life..
but ii just can't help it..
ii dun wanna live a life without euu in my life..
life is so meaningless fer miie..
ii have so many things ii wanna tell euu..
but it seems like euu are too busy wit your life to entertain miie anymore..
a life without miie..
counting down to 15th sept.. death day..
lonely..
8:42 PM
Thursday, August 7, 2008
okies.. ii am blogging in sch.. cause class was super boring.. woke up at 8.30 today. meet audrey outside my house. she song miie go sch.. thn she go arcade play drum. school was as boring as usual. just realised ii gort 5 test next week. argg.. so siianx.. die die must pass my econs. cause ashley say ii will fail. so must pass let her see. humph! just now ii had lunch wit audrey. thn while waiting fer my next lesson she piggy back miie in school.. aww.. thn she pei miie go lecture.. java lecture was as boring as usual. ii fell asleep on her shoulders.. hahas.. thn now having DCN practical. super siianx lahhs... aft school can meet audrey le.. yay!!
to him:
euu broke my heart over and over again. ii dunnoe how to face euu alr.. euu was never meant to be mine.. dragging things now only makes my heart break.. ii realised. tat this can't go on anymore. in time to come. ii will either go mad or commit sucide.. please. dun be so selfish. ii am also a human.. der way euu are doing things. really breaks my heart. and ii hate it.. euu made miie fall in love wit euu a second time only to hurt and break my heart. ii will never forget tat. bye.
8:16 AM
ii didn't reallie slept last night.. so tired now.. ii didn't want to sleep.. but somehow, ii managed to doze off on my study table.. ii discovered another secret ob his.. a secret tat hurt miie badly.. a secret tat finally, brought my depression back into my life.. how ii noe it came back?? ytd, ii rmb sleeping on my table.. der whole packet ob panadol pills was on my table.. yet, when ii awoke, ii was on my bed.. & der pills were missing by half.. ii am nort sure if ii ate it.. but somehow, tis is linked to my dream.. ii dreamt tat he left miie fer good.. & ii had somehow eaten der pills in an attempt to kill myself.. ii dun reallie noe if ii had eaten der pills.. but ii noe.. if ii am sleepwallking, it means tat my depression has come back.. ii didn't want to tell euu because ii am scared euu would be worried.. so ii chose to nort reply euu.. to nort ans your calls.. ii dun wan euu to eat anymore pills fer miie.. ii didn't eat it deliberately.. neither do ii noe if ii ate those pills..
its been 15 days since euu left my life.. euu made miie becum so jealous whenever ii noe tat euu are talking to your daughter.. ii dun wan to feel tat way either.. buy ii just can't help it.. ii can behave normally when ii am in sch.. ii think tat is because ii am nort left alone.. but when ii am alone.. my mind starts to think wild & ii feel like ii am going crazy very soon.. euu said euu are protecting miie.. but is this how euu protect miie?? i dunnoe.. ii just wan euu back into my life.. ii miss euu.. hais...
after sch ii went to his house wit xiao jing.. went to buy fish porridge fer him.. ii woke him up because ii didn't want him to eat cold porridge.. but when he woke up, all ii gort was a black face frm him.. ii noe its wrong to bring my friend to his house.. but ii wasn't feeling too well okies?? ii felt like vomitting & didn't felt like eating.. if he dun appreciate.. if he reallie wants miie outta his life.. ii will do it.. ii was worried abt euu tats why ii went to your house... it is nort like ii gort nth better to do.. ii dunnoe if it was der effect ob der pills ii ate.. but ii reallie feel like sleeping le.. will post tml if possible...
lonely..
8:16 AM
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
ii went to his house at around 7.30am tis morning.. went to take care ob him since he ate der pills fer miie.. but we ended up doing smth else.. he was feeling so much better alr when ii came.. ii hugg him & fell asleep with him.. woke up & went to bathe tgt.. after tat we went to eat at sun plaza.. we dine in at cavana.. luckily he didnt vomit out wat he ate.. thank god..
after tat went back to his house to rest.. euu asked miie why ii am so upset.. ii didn't wan to tell euu.. but now ii am telling euu.. while euu were msging your "daughter".. ii happen to glance over & saw her msg to euu.. she actually said. i love euu. didn't ii say tat if euu found a stead euu must tell miie?? didn't euu agree to it too?? furthermore, euu kept msging her as if ii am invisible.. am ii reallie invisible to euu??
ltr on, euu went to meet alan, jason, jia wei etc.. left miie at home.. ii was waiting fer euu all along.. ii wanted to watch der anime.. wit euu.. but euu were nort there, so wat fer ii watch alone?? its was until around 7 tat der sky began to darken, ii felt so afraid staying in your house by myself.. it was dark & creepy.. worst still, its der 7th mth ghost festival.. my mind began to imagine things.. ii prayed fer euu to return to miie as soon as possible.. yet euu did nort.. ii wanted to phone euu but ii didn't have der courage to get my phone from my bag.. so in der end, ii dashed outta der house.. went to your house downstairs der bubble tea shop there to sit.. sitting there, ii felt so much better.. at least, there were passer bys & ii am nort alone.. when ii returned to your house, ii was so happie to see euu there..
euu asked miie to wait till 11 feb..
ii will wait..
but if euu are attached by then..
life would be meaningless fer miie too..
and ii noe euu wouldn't stop miie frm dying anymore..
because euu alr had eye fer another gurl..
ii regretted all tat ii did to hurt euu..
ii hate myself fer destroying my own happiness..
yet there is nth ii can do fer euu to return to miie anymore..
ii would like to tell euu..
how much ii love euu..
how much ii want euu..
lonely..
11:13 PM
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
ii am posting in der middle ob der night.. ii couldn't sleep.. after hearing wat from him.. if ii were to go his house tml, ii would get very very hurt.. ii couldn't believe my own eyes.. ii am alr hurt now.. and he wants miie to get more hurt?? wat der fcuk is happening to my life?? ii used my bare hands to destroy my wonderful life.. ii realie did.. now, he want miie to taste my own medicine.. ii am tasting it now.. taking panadols two by two and popping them into my mouth.. feels great to die.. after all, when euu die, euu wun have to feel der sufferings in earth.. ii wouldn't be going your house tml.. even if ii do, it would be to clean up ur house.. after tat, perhapes, euu wouldn't see miie forever.. and euu wouldn't have to see my face ever again.. ii would be waiting fer euu in heaven.. ii would watch over euu like an angel.. euu would be happie without miie in ur life.. seriously...
ii asked euu fer der last chance to patch wit euu.. euu wouldn't give miie.. perhapes ii reallie changed euu to a very cold blooded creature.. ii did.. allow miie to atone fer my sins.. ii will love euu.. deep down in my heart till der last moment ob death.. to my last breathe.. euu may think this is rubbish.. but wat ii said will be done. by hook or by crook.
at around 8.30 am, he came to find miie.. we spent a long time talking & clarifying things.. because things were nort going too well fer us, ii decided to commit sucide.. ii took 10 panadol pills out to der park.. ii wanted so much to swallow them in front ob him.. instead, he snatched 9 pills away from miie & swallowed them down himself.. ii was loss at words.. ii didn't want him to die.. ii was der one tat hurt euu despite der love euu gave miie.. so why should euu die fer miie?? why couldn't euu let miie die & end my sufferings?? after he left, ii took 5 pills & went to sleep.. after ii woke up, ii didn't feel too well.. luckily, ii didn't eat anything fer der whole day.. so ii had nth to vomit out also..
around 7 pm, ii had this bad omen tat something was gonna happen to him.. so ii rush down to his house right after ii bathed.. luckily, he was still alive when ii reached there.. he wasn't looking good.. he had swallowed 18 panadol pills.. his face was pale & he kept vomitting.. it realie broke my heart to see him suffering because ob miie. ii noe he loved miie wit all his heart.. yet ii lied to him fer a friend tat ii just made.. ii realie feel ery bad.. very guilty.. ii wanted to kill myself so much.. kill myself fer hurting him so much.. ii am so heartless.. heartless enough to lie to a guy who loved miie so much.. ii reallie reallie am sorries.. yet, euu wouldn't return to miie anymore... ii regretted so much wat ii had done to hurt euu.. i wanna hold euu close & never let euu leave miie again.. however, euu were nort mine anymore.. no matter how sorries ii am, it can never change der fact tat euu wouldn't return to miie anymore... sometimes, ii reallie wanna die.. die because euu are nort by my side anymore... above are der pictures ob my ex lover.. he is a very nice guy... and ii love him lots.. but when ii finally noe how to cherish him, he had left miie.. ii pray tat nth will happen to euu tonight.. ii would rush to your house first thing in der morning..
lonely..
12:28 AM
Monday, August 4, 2008
was late fer der lecture today.. although lecture starts at 12 today.. ii guess its because ii couldn't sleep in der night.. was thinking abt khoo zhen dong again.. was super tired in der morning..
after lecture, miie and xiao jing went to his house to pass him chewing gum tat ii brought fer him on my trip to malaysia.. seeing tat his room was in a mess, ii helped to pack his bed n his floor.. so tat he would live in a cleaner enviroment.. also, ii helped him to cook a packet ob noodles wit hot dogs.. xiao jing helped miie wit der frozen hot dogs because ii couldn't seperate them.. hope tat euu went home early to eat der noodles while they were still hot...
hmm.. after der housework, ii went wit xiao jing to sun plaza & had a variety meal from KFC.. ii didn't felt like eating so ii shared wit her.. since there was still time after our meal.. we decided to walk around sun plaza.. we went to aries and started playing around wit things there.. at around 3, we left fer school.. since lessons starts at 4.. received my business com results fer ica 3 part 1.. 18 upon 40.. sucks man..
to euu:
ii am so sad and depress..
is all i want to do is rest..
ii go to bed at night..
but my dreams ii can't just fight..
ii think ob euu lying in tat bed..
and wonder if there i anything ii could have said..
ii wish euu were still here..
lying by my side..
nevertheless, euu were gone fer good..
ii love euu more & more than euu noe..
ii just wish euu didn't have to go..
ii just want one more day wit euu..
and ii wouldn't care if ii had to die after tat..
ii just wanna be wit euu..
euu and only euu..
lonely..
9:23 PM
Sunday, August 3, 2008
ii am still waiting..
woke up around 10 today.. having difficulties breathing.. dunnoe is becus ob der weather or wat.. no appetite to eat also.. ii think ii going fall sick le.. but anyway, who cares huh?? die le even better right?? thn dun need to suffer by der way euu treat miie.. yeah.. death is good.. he said he would be granting miie my wish to die on tuesday.. ii am so happie to be able to be killed by my love one..
11 days after euu left my life.. life was as lonely as it could ever get.. things weren't going too well fer miie.. ii still miss euu, need euu, and want euu, badly.. euu weren't there fer miie anymore.. somehow, ii still miss der days where ii lie on your warm shoulders & fall asleep on your bed.. when ii open my eyes, euu would be there sleeping soundly.. adorably by my side.. how ii miss those days where euu cooked fried rice fer miie.. ii loved your fried rice.. because ii noe, no doubt its just a plate ob fried rice, ii noe its cooked wit much love from euu.. ii also reflected on my behaviour to euu.. ii realie had treated euu fer granted.. euu went to learn html so tat euu could help miie wit my html project.. yet, ii treated it fer granted.. euu went to work to buy psp fer miie, ii noe, seeing miie happie was wat euu wanted.. ii was happie when euu brought psp fer miie.. yet, did ii treasure euu?? ii asked myself.. no, ii didn't.. ii lied to euu so as to go home wit my new friend..wat a bad stead ii am.. ii reallie deserve to die.. ii hope euu would realie give miie one last chance to love euu.. to return der love euu put on miie.. ii would realie treasure euu.. ii swear.. pls return to miie.. ii reallie had eaten my own medicine le.. ii wun treat euu as granted anymore.. as long as euu return to miie.. ii am happie..
ii woke up in der middle ob der night & ii notice my guy wasn't by my side
couldn't sworn ii was dreaming fer him ii was feeling so i had to take a little ride.. back tracking over these few years trying to figure out wat i did to make it go bad.. ever since my guy left miie my whole life came crashing..
can't believe ii had a guy like euu & ii just let euu walk right outta my life..
after all ii put euu through.. euu still stuck around & stay by my side..
wat reallie hurt miie is ii broke your heart baby euu were good guy & ii had no right.. ii reallie wanna make things right..
lonely..
11:59 AM
Saturday, August 2, 2008
ii didn't sleep at all last night.. was quarrelling wit him till 4am.. ii didn't wanna quarrel.. but somehow, euu seem to love quarrelling wit miie... der words he used on miie was so sacastic & heartbreaking.. ii couldn't stand it & ended up crying.. but his solid heart didn't even bother.. ii couldn't believe my ears when he said tat everything after he dumped miie was rubbish to him.. perhapes ii shouldn't have try to ask fer a patch up at all.. things are like so one-sided now.. a 2 year relationship is gone in a flash.. fer my moment ob folly, ii apologised fer wat ii did wrong.. yeah.. ii shouldn't have lie to euu in der first place.. euu said ii was selfish.. perhapes ii reallie am.. ii tot abt our whole relationship during der night ii didn't sleep.. it pains my heart to see our happie memories just becoming history.. it takes 2 to start a relationship & only 1 to break it.. life is just so unfair.. isn't it??
euu said wat ii am feeling now was just my own medicine.. euu said if euu reallie wanted revenge, euu would do it 10 times more.. and tat is to bring a different individual gurl everyday down to my poly to let miie see.. ii dun understand.. if euu had alr felt der misery, would euu wan ur loved one to feel it as well?? opps. said wrong.. ii am nort ur loved one anymore.. its just been less than a month since euu dumped miie & euu are telling miie tat euu can't even say der words ii love euu alr... things are passing so quickly.. ii didn't have time to breathe.. last night, ii so happened to chance upon jia wei's (a gurl tat liked him) blogg.. and now did ii realised she was always going to meet euu.. going to your house to sleep.. ii tot your bed was only meant fer miie.. now ii am wrong.. so now wit miie outta der way, euu can happily bring other gurls to your house.. randomly let them lie on your bed.. since nobody ould be feeling jealous anymore... my heart was alr broken since euu said everything ii did after euu dumped miie was rubbish to euu.. perhapes ii am thrash to euu.. thn why nort give der rubbish euu dun wan to others?? they may appreciate my rubbish euu noe??
exams are coming. ii dun have any mood to study.. ii have tried to get euu back.. cutting wrist, cleaning your room, giving wat euu wanted, eating panadols, cried all i could.. euu still wouldn't return.. furthermore, euu said wat ii did was rubbish.. ii am tired.. realie tired.. so hurt and tired.. last but nort least, ii gave euu your choice, euu choose to kill miie.. ii am gladly waiting to be killed by euu.. its great to be killed by someone euu love right??
lonely...
10:12 AM
Friday, August 1, 2008
life was boring as usual.. ii am finally able to sleep.. perhapes its because ob der many sleepless nights that ii had.. slept at around 3 last night and woke up at 6am in der morning.. thn went back to sleep again.. woke up at 11.30.. thn went back to sleep.. till around 1.15pm.. was shocked when ii saw der time.. lol.. ii am a pigg... rushed through my stuffs & luckily, ii made it on time to school.. hahas.. was nort late fer lecture.. phew...
in school..
had my accounting lecture and mr chee gave us der hints fer our coming exams.. he is so funnie lahhs.. but zhi chao said his beaviour very gay.. lol.. thn ii gort back my results fer business com.. hmm.. ica part 3 part 2 only.. 37 upon 50.. cus teacher said she marked very leniently.. tot tat ii would fail or something.. cus my research did nort help miie at all fer tat stupid ica.. hope tat my ica 3 part 1 wun pull miie down bahhs..
after school went to eat sushi wit jing jing, jerrold, zhi chao, leong seng, li jia, nadiah, zhi wei and graham.. tats zhi chao & theresa btw.. two tall pple from my class.. my photo-taking skills nort bad ehh.. hahas.. ii share wit jing cus didn't felt like eating much.. its nort tat der sushi was nort delicious.. it was because.. ii am still thinking ob euu.. euu should noe who euu are.. yeah.. ii admit.. ii still miss euu very badly.. even though its been like one week 2 days since euu dumped miie.. ii still miss your huggs and everything.. but do it matters to euu?? euu are treating miie colder & colder by der day.. euu claim euu dun, but ii can feel it.. euu said euu still care abt miie?? do euu??
ii miss euu.. ii reallie do.. ii wish tat euu would return to miie on my birthday.. but ii think.. tat will nort come true.. ii love euu...
lonely...
10:10 PM
ii am waiting fer euu to change your mind..
ii am tired & shagg.. 
ii am still waiting..
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